Consideration for other people’s feelings and perspective is an hallmark of empathy. The lack of which often piss people off. In my early 20s, I gave a speech in front of my Toastmasters group about how our society seems to place importance on youth, and how people would go to great length to hide signs of aging, like dying their hair. Coincidentally there was a woman in her 50’s with jet black hair. I remembered vividly seeing her facing muscle twitched as I mention that point. She probably thought that I was singling her out. Even though it was just a matter of not thinking before speaking. Afterwards in the parking lot, she seemed livid and was complaining to another attendee. I didn’t think much of it at the time. But thinking about it now, she probably hated the sight of me afterwards.
These days I make an effort not to offend people needlessly. Now sometimes there are positions where I’m passionate about and I will take a stand. But even then I try to be diplomatic instead blunt. I don’t always succeed, but at least I make an effort. I think pissing people off needlessly is really stupid.
On the flip side, People have done or said stupid, rude, or insensitive stuff in front me. Most of the time I let it go like water off the the duck’s feather. I think sooner or later, Karma will catch up to them. I do however try to learn from the situations, and avoid doing the same when I’m with others. For examples, 1) Don’t walk away when someone’s talking with me. It’s just plain rude. 2) When taking pictures in social gathering, make an effort to get everybody. Otherwise when you leave someone out, especially consistently in multiple gatherings, it sends a message that you don’t think of them highly…
Time magazine published an article in March suggesting that Type A people, tend to have more children (11% more for males, and 19% for females) than their more passive peers. Looks like another piece of the evolutionary puzzle that explains why certain behaviors such as leadership and decisiveness are considered sexier & more desirable. Here’s another reason to be an Alpha Male or Female, leave more decedents. The meek will not likely inherit the earth. Instead they’ll be outnumbered & out bred by the aggressive.
Anger isn’t healthy. It ages us and causes our arties to harden. It makes us do and/or say stupid things. Anger is not a sign of strength, but instead exposes a fundamental character weakness of not being able to control oneself.
Several years ago I was working on a few important marketing campaigns where the results were monitored daily. My boss at the time was very worried about them. Incidentally, he was going on a cruise that week. But he decided to checkup on me on Thursday. Up to that point in the week, the results had been pretty good. So I told him that things were fine. Then as you might have guessed, Murphy Law manifested itself with a vengeance, the campaign went sour for the next 3 days, and wiped out cumulatively the positive results of the 4 previous ones.
When I arrived on Monday, my boss was already busily working. As I sat in front on my computer and discovered the bad news, I had sinking feeling in the my stomach. Then an urgent email appeared in my inbox. The boss wanted me in his office ASAP. “Oh crap,” muttering to myself as I grabbed my notes and marched into the foreseeable gloom. The boss did not disappoint, and for the next 10 minutes, his normally Zen like demeanor disappeared, as I was confronted with a nonstop barrage of accusations, hysteria, and insults. Basically he thought that I lied to him. I tried to explain what happened. But he won’t listen. In the end, he gave me an ultimatum, improve the campaigns in the next couple of weeks, or be terminated.
And so for the next 2 weeks, I worked 10+ hour days including weekends to improve the campaigns. And at the end of that time, they weren’t great, but definitely improved. I was able to keep my job. For the next several months, I continued my work and eventually made them successful. To me it was more than just staying employed, but also a matter of honor, proving that I could get the job done. Although I succeed, I never forgot how easily I incurred my boss’ wrath. And it definitely had a part in my decision to eventually quitting the job and running my own business instead.
Now that I’m the boss, I like to hear the other people’s perspective before rendering judgment. I find clear & leveled communication is much more effective in getting my points across and preventing future problems. Going ballistic is easy to do, especially to someone financially or emotionally dependant on you. But it creates resentments and shatters relationships. So the best way to deal with anger is to avoid it. It’s easier said than done, but definitely worth it.
It took a long time, but I’ve gradually learned to become better at controlling my emotions. Now this doesn’t mean being a robot and lacking a personality! Instead it’s about maturity & avoiding outbursts, which are usually stupid.
When hurt, we tend to thrash out instinctively. It’s wired into our gazillion of years of evolution for survival. But for the most part, we aren’t always in a life or death situation. So calm down, relax, and consider 4 steps when dealing with disturbing situations:
- Cool down: Walk away. Take deep inhales & exhales.
- Laugh it off.
- When calm, reflect how you can learn from this.
- Then take any action if still necessary.
These should help a person avoid a LOT of regrettable stuff, become wiser & happier.
I’ve given long rides to people where I felt generous and just let everyone off the hook,not paying the gas money, often at huge expense to myself. But I’ve noticed a pattern perhaps it was a reluctance to ask for the money as if that’d be rude. And that’s really stupid. Because in all fairness it’s my money! So now, I just ask for it. And I’ve found that there really isn’t any difference in people’s reactions.
You know I haven’t really been that consistent in maintaining relationships unfortunately. Stuff always seem to happen, and I don’t have the time or energy to make the call or even an email. And pretty soon, friends become acquaintances, and acquaintances become strangers… I guess it comes down to 2 simple things, determination and organization. By determination, I mean be able to reach out to friends even when you don’t feel like it. And having organization means keeping track of the contact information and little details that shows you care.
So I challenge everyone including myself to start today and reach out to friends whom you haven’t been in contact for a while, and let them know that you still care…